How many people have you had sex with?
This question had plagued bedrooms for decades, and even celebs have publically shared their "number."
In 2022, Jennifer Coolidge told Variety that she got "a lot of play at being a MILF" from American Pie, saying, "There were so many benefits to doing that movie. I mean, there would be like 200 people that I would’ve never have slept with."
Mariah Carey told Cosmopolitan that she'd been with 5 people, while Charlie Sheen once told New York Post that his guess for the number of sexual partners he's had is about 5000.
As well, Amy Schumer revealed in her 2016 memoir that she'd been with 28 people, according to Yahoo Canada Style, and Russell Brand told a U.K. publication his number was "up there" at roughly 1000.
The trend has made its way into everyday conversation, and you could be asked your "number" for someone's next viral video.
Recently a trend of creators on TikTok (typically men) asking people how many people they've slept with has swept across the app, and according to sex therapist and marriage and family therapist Jenifer Smith – it's really not a surprise.
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Society's obsession with how many sexual partners a person has had isn't anything new, and women have always seen a double standard when it comes to sex, according to Smith.
"It's one of those buzzwords that comes up every few years, and then people want to start unpacking it. But I do think that it's a way for people to judge other people, and that's why people want to know the number," says Smith.
"I mean, when we think about it, what is the validity in there? It doesn't change that person's characteristics or what you already know about them. It doesn't change the time you've spent with them, so why is it important?"
How does gender & sexuality affect "body count?"
Unfortunately, that judgment is a bit skewed when it comes to gender politics.
So if you're a straight woman, chances are you're not going to be judged in the same light as a straight man.
"A lot of it is men judging women on how many people they've slept with. I think it goes back to gender roles. Women are shamed about being sexually free or having many sexual partners. When we think about the words associated with that, they're all very negative."
Smith says that men typically don't face this same scrutiny when revealing their number of sexual partners, and if their number is high, they're actually celebrated and dubbed a "playboy" or in "demand."
A Canadian woman in her 20s told Narcity that a partner shamed her for not being a virgin.
"I've had a man call me a used car because I had slept with someone before meeting him, and his dad taught him that no one wants a used car."
While in previous generations, the societal standard for women was to be a virgin before marriage, now social views have progressed, and the new standard seems to be a few sexual partners – but not too many, according to Smith.
"I think it's very shameful for society to push that on women."
These restrictive social pressures are still present in straight relationships, but Smith says the Queer community is much more accepting and open when it comes to sexual history.
"I don't hear that nearly as much with my queer clients as I do my heterosexual clients of body count being asked."
What should you do if someone asks you how many people you've slept with?
At the end of the day, your sexual history really has nothing to do with your value or who you are as a person, but how do you navigate questions around your sexual history?
Smith said that you should be cautious when someone asks for your "body count" and try to get to the bottom of what a person is really trying to learn.
"When I have been asked, I have always said, 'What kind of information are you looking to gain by knowing the answer?' Because I'm totally fine telling people what my number is, but again, what validity does it have in our relationship?"
According to Smith, more important questions to ask when it comes to sexual history are when was your last STI test, and do you regularly wear protection with partners.
If you are asked what your number is, you shouldn't feel ashamed or pressured to answer.
"When someone's asking that question, have a conversation about it. If they feel comfortable sharing that, do it. But if they feel apprehensive, you don't have to. You should not feel pressured to tell someone your number."
Smith says it's wrong for people to punish or shame others based on their number or if they choose not to answer.
So if someone asks you and you don't feel like sharing – you really don't have to.
What is a normal body count?
If you've ever wondered if you're body count is normal, Smith says there really is no average number!
"I really don't think there is an average. I just think everybody is different, and I think it changes from city to city and different demographic of ages," said Smith.
"People who have had more life experience may have a bigger body count because they've lived more life. But somebody in their early 20s could have the same body count because they just have more sex. They might have started having sex earlier or just have had more sexual partners."
A 25-year-old woman in Toronto told Narcity she'd had over 50 sexual partners, while a 24-year-old woman in Vancouver shared that she's had three sexual partners.
Another anonymous reader shared that they think no matter what the number is, people can be judgemental.
"Whether it's too few or too many, people will judge you no matter the number."
Life experience and age can definitely play into how many sexual partners a person has over their lifetime, and in Canada, the average number of sexual partners across all age groups is 10.70, according to the World Population Review.
But it's important to remember there is nothing wrong with your own lived experience.
How to navigate feelings around your number of sexual partners?
Whether you've only been intimate with yourself, hundreds of people or no one at all, you shouldn't feel ashamed.
How many people you choose to have sex with is a personal decision based on your values and circumstance, and if anyone makes you feel bad or ashamed of your history, Smith suggests that they might not be the right partner for you.
"If they're unwilling to change or stop doing that behaviour [making you feel bad about your history], then you have to reevaluate if that's the relationship you want to be in. Or if that the kind of partner you want because it's not ok to be shamed about anything."
If you're dealing with feelings of shame towards yourself, Smith says it may be a good idea to speak with a therapist so you can get another unbiased perspective to help you work through your feelings.
At the end of the day, society may just be better off letting go of this notion – so the next time a TikToker asks you what your body count is, say it proudly or feel free to just not answer at all.
This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.
These Celebs Have Shared Their 'Body Count' & Here's Why People Obsess Over The Number
Source: News Article Viral
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